9/5/12

So I start all these post and never finish them so I never publish them but that's not why I started this. I started this to tell a mothers experience something I couldn't find when we started this journey 21 weeks ago. So from now on finished or not I am going to post what I write :)

Today gas had it's highs and lows. Noah looked great when I got to the hospital this morning. We decided that today was the day that he would come off the vent again. He was extubated last Thursday for the first time and reintubated on Sunday evening because of an infection. He did well the first few hours today but as today progressed he spiked a fever again his heart rate went up and his breathing worsened therefore they are in the process of reintubating him a I type this. This just fucking sucks!!!! He is to little to have to go through all of this. He hasn't done anything to deserve all of this. I have done so well not asking why or what if but right now all I wan us for God to tell me why this sweet little boy of mine must endure all of this. He has been through more in the past 3 weeks then most people have to go through in a life time. It's not fair!!!! It fucking sucks!!!! All I want to do as his momma is hold him and cuddle him and make all of this pain go away but I can't. Its like no one cares what he needs what his momma needs. He is three weeks old today and I have never really held him in my arms. I got to lift him up one time for 30 seconds while they changed his bed but never have felt him in my arms.
My heart breaks for Gary there is no reason any parent should endure any if this but let alone someone with their first child. It's not fair to him at all. I want him to hold him and cuddle him in his arms too. I just want us all to be home under one roof. I want life to go back to some balance of normal I want to pick makayla up from school and get Colton off the bus. I want to spend the day with my 2 babies doing nothing but loving on them. I feel like I am missing so much of their lives. I feel like an awful mother for leaving them at home and an awful mother for leaving my sweet little boy here at the hospital.